Focus: Trust

     My Reckless Abandonment – Part I

“What she trusts in is fragile, what she relies on is a spider’s web.
She leans on his web, but it gives away, she clings to it, but it does not hold.”

This verse aptly describes my formative years as the continuous strands of abuse, betrayal and abandonment formed my web of destruction. A spiral of sticky naïve ignorance kept me from making good choices and blinded me of my true worth. The venom caused painful symptoms in my mind and body; but fortunately it was not so dangerous to take my life. Although my past web has been abandoned the cobweb scars linger…so I learned to trust and found healing in a loving God.

My first twelve years I did what I was told; the next twelve years I did life my way! I was rebellious against every person who broke my trust especially my abusive addictive parents. My father was a raging alcoholic and my mother’s drug of choice were “Black Beauties” (the Rx for weight loss). I hated the agony and abuse they inflicted upon themselves and their six children. Since they abandoned me, I chose to leave the chaos and foolishly continued the destructive ways enlarging my own web of destruction.
I began a pattern of relocating and seeking love in all the wrong places. I preferred older men of influence: someone who would provide a way of escape. I settled for the “bad boys” choosing drug dealers who numbed my pain; then I switched to incredibly wealthy selfish men in Palm Beach. Next I sought the educated and dated successful business men, my community college professor, my Real Estate Instructor and Amway leaders. I eventually turned away my doctor, Willie Nelson’s drummer and even Jimmy Buffet. The reality was none of them proved to be trustworthy of my love.
My choices minimized my value and filled me with shame, guilt and sorrow. I added more addictive traits to my web portfolio. I knew it was time for another escape and relocation. I became a seeker replacing my self-destructive choices for a new spiritual journey. First I experimented with new age, meditation, yoga, Hinduism and Scientology. I was open to invitations so I attended Baptist, Episcopalian, Methodist, Presbyterian, Roman Catholic and Seventh-day Adventist churches.
God seemed so distant, so far away and mysterious. I could not comprehend a loving Father nor could I understand His ways. To begin life, unwanted and abandoned is incomprehensible. To experience repeated abuse, abandonment and rejection over and over again creates deep wounds. I did not want to live my life as a victim. At 23, I was exhausted, wounded and ready to give up. I didn’t trust anyone especially myself and definitely not God. It was difficult to be unable to trust, so isolating without someone to love and so awful not to be loved.

I finally found hope in Jesus Christ. I fell deeply in love with God and found my first really satisfying relationship. I began a new journey of intentional abandonment to a loving Sovereign Lord. I learned how to experience absolute trust even in suffering, in spite of circumstances, even in the face of death, beyond my fears for genuine unfailing love.

A prayer of abandonment and trust in God:

“Dear Father-God, Open my heart that I may receive your love. Fill me with your Holy Spirit that I may abandon my selfish and destructive ways. Forgive me and help me to graciously forgive. Lord, create in me a new heart, renew my mind and restore my soul. Guide me in your everlasting truth, grant me wisdom, and set me free in your grace. I believe and trust in You. I love You with all my heart, mind and soul. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

My next post will be how I learned to trust again and how to practice complete abandonment  to God and His divine providence.

A few of my favorite TRUST Scriptures:

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” Proverbs 3:5

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” Psalm 13:5

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:4

“Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture” Psalm 37:3

[1] Job 8:14-15 The first quote was actually a false accusation from one of Job’s friends Bildad, whose name means ‘son of contention.”

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Dixie Diamanti
    Mar 12, 2012 @ 23:08:32

    Carol!!! How could I know you in the now and have no idea of your past? Who you are today is no where who you were then…the same as my story….are we amazed at the sheer transforming power of our Jesus? Will we ever be able to do anything but grin ear to ear at the mention of the lover of our heart’s name? You are a wonderful mentor, coach, teacher and sister!!! Thank you for your transparency!!! ♥♥ Dixie

    Reply

  2. Teresa M
    Mar 13, 2012 @ 06:36:02

    You are a gifted writer. Thanks for sharing Your story. Jesus is worthy of our trust, humans will always fall short. Great message!

    Reply

  3. Joan YC
    Mar 13, 2012 @ 08:14:35

    Hey Sister-friend! What an amazing write-up on your childhood upbringing, or should I say downbringing. Wow! I think most all of us can be gratefull, even with the shortfalls of our parents, and our childhood experiences, that ours does not begin to compare. This speaks highly of the power of God’s grace and restoration gifts. He truly can restore what the locus have stolen. Much love and big hugs to you! Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to your next installment. Joan YC

    Reply

  4. Carol J. Smith
    Mar 14, 2012 @ 16:21:05

    Thank you for your comments! I am preparing several more messages on the topic of how to TRUST GOD and how to trust again in all our relationships. The next message “Intentional Abandonment” will be what I learned for trusting God in adversity and suffering and how to fully release and rely on HIM for HE is our ALL in all. The next posting will be how to have healthy relationships and how to experience God’s will through planned abandonment. I love how God teaches us and draws us closer to Him and others in His unfailing, everlasting lavish LOVE!

    Reply

  5. Rhonda H. Shaver
    Mar 16, 2012 @ 07:01:27

    Beautifully written Carol. Thank you for allowing your mess-timony to become your testimony. I’m so thankful for a God who can do that! Could I please share this on my blog? It seems we’ve both been on the matter of trust lately!

    Reply

    • Carol J. Smith
      Mar 18, 2012 @ 15:29:14

      Rhonda…we do share in our faith journeys. I can’t wait to share the next two postings for Trusting God—some wonderful powerful praise and testimonies of growth! I need to stay focused on my writing…making progress. Next installments are about joy in Jesus and power in purpose as we TRUST! You can always share and I want to do the same with your blogs. Thankful God connected us and keeps us connected! 🙂

      Reply

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